Got home after 3 weeks, woke up to news my grandma died, spent 1 whole day grieving over someone I’ve seen, talked to, or thought about nearly every day of my life, spent all day yesterday anxious about the work I cannot focus on. Scared to even open Slack or email today
Now sweating in bed because 3 days is too long to be allowed to process my feelings, someone is going to be mad at me and I will lose a client, then I will lose my apartment, then everything else.
… even though I worked for 4 hours yesterday.
The people I work with have been nice about it, and I’m lucky for that!
It’s fucked up that I have intrusive thoughts about work such that I cannot even process my feelings about the death of close family and I know a dozen people who have been though this just this year.
This is what our system does to people, especially people who grew up with no money: Make us so dependent on work that we are too frightened to look away even when we have the choice not to do it.
When I tell kids do not dream of labor, make space for yourself and do not give it up, this is why. My brain is so warped by capitalism that I am attacking myself for mourning my grandmother too hard. This caring is a liability because it costs the machine money.